To My Beautiful Black Baby
Disclaimer: This picture is one of our students at the Korogocho Refuge and NOT a child we plan to adopt. We have no current adoption plans in place at the moment.
To My Beautiful, Amazing, Perfect, Black Baby,
I have never met you. I have never seen your perfect face, nor held your tiny hand, nor kissed your sweet cheek. I have never told you that I’m your mommy and you’re safe with me. I have never told you that you will not have to struggle for food again; but, I already love you.
You did not grow in my tummy like most babies. NO! You are more special than that. My love for you grew in my heart. I can’t tell you the number of times your Daddy and I prayed for you before every meal. Prayed that you would be protected, clothed, fed, and taken care of. We then prayed that God would bring you to us. I can’t tell you the number of tears I cried wishing, more than anything, that you were in my arms or lying next to me.
I can’t explain why it has taken so long for you to make us a family, but know that we have been waiting for you. We have prayed for you for 4 years. I have wanted nothing more than to see your face, hold your hand, and hug you so tight you would think you couldn’t breathe. I have wanted nothing more than to introduce you to the world as ours, letting you meet your grandparents and great grandparents, your aunts and uncles, your cousins, your family. You will never know how many prayers were said for you nor all of the pastors, friends, family, supporters, church members, and strangers who asked God to give you to us. God heard all of these prayers.
I don’t know why it took so long. Maybe we weren’t ready to be your parents yet. Maybe you weren’t born 4 years ago. Maybe we just weren’t close enough to find you yet. But I know when we do meet, it will be perfect. I know that when I get to meet you, I will never let you go. I know that the love I feel for you now will feel small, compared to the love I will feel the moment I lay eyes on you. You will make me and your daddy a family. You will start something we couldn’t own our own.
You will complete us until it is time to add to our love. You will help us show another baby the love they never received. I know when we get to that point, it will be hard on you to go from an only child, getting all of our love and attention. But, I know you will be the best sibling a child could ask for. I know you will show that child all the love we showed you.
I want you to know, now, before I have ever met you, before I even know if you are a girl or a boy, before I ever know how old you are or what type of life you’ve had to endure, before you found us, our love for you is never ending. I don’t even know you, and I feel like my heart will break if I don’t get to hold you soon.
I can’t control my tears writing this and thinking about all of the moments I’m missing, because I don’t know you yet. I didn't get to rock you to sleep, to comfort you when you were crying, nor to celebrate your first tooth coming in. I wasn't there when you took your first step, when you ate real food for the first time, nor when you said your first word. Right now, as I write this, I wonder where you are. Do you know English yet? Are you are wanting to meet me as badly as I want to meet you.
It pains me to know you are out there hurting, hungry, scared, alone, and I can't do anything to help you. I want you to know that I loved you before I ever knew who you were. I cried for you even before I named you. I prayed for you before you ever got to sleep in our home.
One day when you are older and you decide I’m ruining your life (like I thought my mom ruined mine), I hope you read this. I hope you see that I loved you before it made sense. You were my child maybe even before you were born. You were my child when you lived in another mom’s tummy. You were mine when you didn’t know if you’d eat again, or when you were so scared of what the night might bring. You were mine always; you will be mine forever.
God never forgot you. During the worst days of your life, God was there with you. I know this, because I asked Him to protect you. I asked Him to provide for you. I asked Him to show you His love, and I know He did. He loved us both so much that He brought us together. He finally made us a family.
You may not look like me, but families don’t have to match. I think you will have my strong personality and your dad’s intelligence, but hopefully my sense of direction. I know things won’t always be easy for you growing up as a black kid in a white family. But, never forget that you are loved.
You are supposed to be exactly where you are. God chose you for a reason. He chose you to be our child. He could have given us a child that I birthed, but He didn’t. He made us wait until you were perfect, until the timing was just right, then He gave us YOU. YOU are the child we were always supposed to have, and God has plans for you that I cannot even imagine.
While you are crying out for a family or someone to care and love you, know that we are here. We are your family. We do love you. Even though we don’t know your name, we are here waiting for the moment we get to call you OURS. So baby, I love you and always will. I can’t wait until the day I get to hold you in my arms and call you mine.
The woman who can't wait to be YOUR MOMMY